But I did want to send you a note, not just because it's that time of year. I would have sent you and Mrs. Santa a card for certain. Maybe one of the ones with a picture of you sitting in front of a computer teaching the reindeer how to process your email. A hoot!
But seriously, in the past few months I have learned a few things about myself and when I saw your picture down at the Hallmark store, a light went on. Stick with me on this one, okay?
Basically, I was wondering if you've ever had your thyroid levels checked. I know that seems like an out-of-the-blue question, but I was recently diagnosed hypothyroid, and while reading Mary Shomon's book Living Well With Hypothyroidism, I got to a list of symptoms and, well, I had to get in touch with you.
Here are the things that stand out for me. First is your weight. I know people are skeptical that some overweight people may actually be hypothyroid, I know the truth. I know it every time I increase a size. In your case, I'm sure the whole cookie and milk thing doesn't help, but let's not discount your thyroid.
I was also wondering if you are unusually cold. You do wear a lot of really heavy clothing ALL the time. I haven't seen too many photos of you where you weren't all decked out in fur in the house. Do you get chilled easily? I wear a lot of sweaters and sweatshirts, but that's just because I don't have a big fur suit. Does Mrs. Claus fight you over the thermostat levels? Cause we certainly do at my house.
Thirdly, well, let me be blunt. I'm concerned that you might be suffering some kind of depression. You don't leave the Pole all year. The only time you leave the house is on your annual ride. I know there are a lot of reasons why someone could be perfectly content to stay home for extended periods of time, one of them being all these new companies that will delivery groceries right to your house. But many people who don't leave the house are experiencing some sort of depression. You seem jolly enough, but are you hiding a frown behind your Ho Ho Ho?
Tied to that, of course, is the fact that you only seem to work one day of the year. How are your energy levels? Look, we all know that the elves are doing most of the toy production work. They staff the entire factory. You can't be exerting yourself too much up there. So why only once a year? Why not sign up for the lecture circuit, make TV appearances, or write books? I would expect Amazon.com to be filled with your work. You can't change the channel without hitting a talk show. I'm sure they would all get in a bidding war to have you as a guest.
I know this list already seems long, but I have one more. I know we don't spend much time together, so I haven't really had a chance to look for myself, but you can be honest with me - are you hiding a goiter under your beard? I know that you do try to take care of yourself, but please make sure that you aren't ignoring your neck. If your "ho-ho-ho" gets too raspy, you can check off one more symptom on the hypo naughty list.
I think I've probably been forward enough with you for one day. I suppose you were expecting this to just be a letter filled with a list of things I want for Christmas. (Sweaters, a new fireplace poker set, and furniture for the dining room. Oh, and chocolate. And a CD burner for my computer.) But this year let's put YOU first, and make sure that you aren't ignoring your symptoms. We can put you on hormone replacement therapy and pretty soon you'll be taking Mrs. Claus on cruises and wearing a tank top.
Well, maybe we should work on the weight thing first.
Take care of yourself, Santa. I'm going to leave an orange out for you.
Note from Mary Shomon: When Jody LaFerriere puts pen to paper -- or in her case, fingers to keyboard -- the result is usually something that will get you laughing. In addition to her regular job and ongoing gig and wife and mother of a delightful boy, she is also webmaster of a terrific humor site, The Big Dumptruck. Please drop a line to Jody to tell her how much you appreciate her making you laugh this holiday season!!