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Winter: Thyroid-Style
A Light-hearted Look at How To Cope with Winter
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• A Letter to My Pal Santa -- by Jody LaFerriere
 
 

by Jody LaFerriere

We should have figured out that the thyroid was more a summer gland when we were told its shape resembles a butterfly. Any good pro-winter gland would have resembled a snowflake or a pair of skis.

Regardless of my color consultant’s declaration that I’m a winter (blue eyes, pale skin, dark hair) I am not a winter person. It’s been a long time since snow has thrilled me. I don’t ski or snowboard. Who has the energy? Even when I heard a snowboard instructor swear that nobody has ever fallen off the mountain and died during their first lesson, I am not going. I don’t want to enhance the standard hypo aches and pains with something requiring a cast and eight weeks to heal.

It’s also been a long time since I’ve gone ice-skating. Suddenly, I’m way too paranoid that global warming has taken its toll and I’ll end up under the ice instead of on top of it. Besides, I’m not as slim as I like to pretend I used to be. For snow sports you have to have the appropriate outerwear. Me in a snowsuit? Michelin Man with shoulder length brown hair.

It’s so darned cold in the winter. Why did my ancestors choose New England of all places? Sure, it’s better than Minnesota, but that’s like saying losing three limbs is much better than losing all four; both options stink. I was actually happy to learn that my hypothyroidism could take some of the blame for my habit of keeping the house warm enough to hatch chicks.

The Levoxyl I’m on seems to help a bit, thank goodness. But I still keep the Land’s End sweater catalogs handy. Until my doctor and I can finally find that perfect thyroid drug cocktail, I’m going to try to deal with winter this year a little better than I have in years past. Here is my “My Secret Winter Guide.” I am sharing it here so you might also have a more enjoyable winter.

1) If I start to get chilly at work, instead of burying myself in a cocoon of paperwork and user manuals, I will drag my butt out of my chair and move parts of my body until the blood starts flowing. Only then will I resort to wearing my coat and mittens around the office.

2) I will deal with winter they way I deal with all things evil and nasty -- by filling up on snack foods. According to my extensive research, which involved going into the Mobil station and talking to the guy working the counter, chocolate is a good bet, as is little individually wrapped snack cakes. I stick with Hostess projects myself, but I don’t begrudge anyone a Little Debbie fix. Then I will find someone to blame my weight gain on. Possibly someone in the government.

3) Bite the bullet and buy some snow-appropriate outerwear, no matter what it makes me look like. My son should experience the thrill of sledding down a hill and having a personal slave along to pull the stupid sled back up to the top of the hill. At least once.

4) Buy a home karaoke system. I know, I know, it sounds silly. Actually, I just wanted to see if anyone was still reading.

5) Get the USRDA of hugs and bubble baths. Baths aren’t appealing in the hot summer weather, but oh, baby, what a tubby can do for you in the winter! Extra points if you get the hugs from someone in the tub with you. Plastic ducks need not apply.

6) Take more naps. Lots of mammals hibernate, right? We’re mammals, right? Extra naps may help burn off the layer of fat I built up this fall. And after each nap, you’re that much closer to spring.

I just need to take winter one day at a time. Once it officially starts on December 21st, every day after I happily announce to anyone who will listen “Hey, it’s starting to stay light longer in the evening! We got a whole extra minute more of it today!” Next year I’m going to plant crocus bulbs under my drier vent so they’ll come up in February and I can pretend winter is over early! Hey, if it can fool them, it can fool me. And I'll take being fooled into Spring ANY day.

* * *


Note from Mary Shomon: When Jody LaFerriere puts pen to paper -- or in her case, fingers to keyboard -- the result is usually something that will get you laughing. In addition to her regular job and ongoing gig and wife and mother of a delightful little boy, she is also webmaster of a terrific humor site, The Big Dumptruck. Check out Jody's Letter to Santa and her special Thanksgiving article, "Put Some Gravy On That: Ruminations of a Newly Diagnosed Thyroid Patient.". And please drop a line to Jody at jody@bigdumptruck.com, to tell her how much you appreciate her making you laugh !!

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