Welcome to the annual conference of...
NO-CARE '97!
(A Satirical Look at a Medical Conference Program)
Dateline: 09/22/97
WELCOME!!
It's once again time for our dear loyal and devoted supporters to join together for THE premiere annual conference of board certified endocriminologists, NO-CARE '97!
As always, NO-CARE is sponsored, paid for, and brought to you by Shyster Snakeoil Syndicated Pharmaceuticals, manufacturers of the only drug an endocriminologist EVER should prescribe...
We know that the fact that we're sending you a free airline ticket to NO-CARE '97, paying your $1395 conference registration fee, paying for all your meals, picking up the tab for all the imported wine you can drink, sponsoring 24-hour a day free cocktail parties, covering all your greens fees, and even footing the bill for your in-room Spectravision movie charges will ensure that you have a WONDERFUL time at NO-CARE '97, while never forgetting that Thy-Roto-Rooter-RoxinTM is the only drug an endocriminologist EVER should prescribe.
And don't forget to stop by one of the hundreds of Thy-Roto-Rooter-RoxinTM information desks at the hotel to pick up your free Thy-Roto-Rooter-RoxinTM Gift-Pak, featuring product samples, prescription pads, pens, desk blotters, (don't forget about that payola check we tucked in there) and informational literature for your patients all about the wonderful drug, Thy-Roto-Rooter-RoxinTM, the only drug an endocriminologist EVER should prescribe.
CONFERENCE EVENT SCHEDULE
MORNING SESSIONS
9:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m. |
- The Evil Internet: Source of All Patients' Medical Misinformation
(The Cornell Room)
- The Waiting Game: 10 Techniques to Ensure That Your Patients are Always Kept Waiting
(The Stanford Room)
- Ignorance is Bliss: Why You Don't Need to Read the Medical Journals
(The Georgetown Room)
- Armor-Plated Thyroid: The Antiquated Old Drug that Only Quacks Still Prescribe Instead of Thy-Roto-Rooter-RoxinTM, the Only Drug an Endocriminologist EVER Should Prescribe
(The USCF Room)
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 | "T-TIME" GOLF TOURNAMENT
10:00a.m. to 12:00 p.m.
Sponsored by
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LUNCHEON 12:00 - 1:00 P.M.
Guest Speaker: Dr. Igor Tistic, M.D., B.O.R.E., P.A.I.N., world famous endocriminologist and author of the best-selling "It's All in Their Heads" offers his secrets on how to be rid of irritating patients who claim they don't feel well despite normal TSH tests. (Columbia Ballroom) |
Stop by the Hospitality Suite -- Room 3214 -- anytime to meet...
OUR COMPANY MASCOT:
T3PO, the Thy-Roto-Rooter-RoxinTM Robot
..and get free miniature T3PO action figures for your younger patients, and samples of our newest product for children, T3PO-shaped candy-flavored Thy-Roto-Rooter-RoxinTM caplets! |
AFTERNOON SESSIONS
1:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. |
- Workshop -- I'm Not Hard of Hearing, I'm Ignoring You: Perfecting Your Ability to Ignore and Disregard Patients
(The Yale Room)
- The Patient is Always Wrong: Report on the 1997 NO-CARE Patient Study and the value of Thy-Roto-Rooter-RoxinTM, the only drug an endocriminologist EVER should prescribe
(The Duke Room)
- "The One-Minute Endo": Dr. Al Moovemout speaks about his groundbreaking new book on how to reduce the annoying and time-wasting practice of actually examining and talking to patients
(The NYU Room)
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 | THE "T42" AFTERNOON TEA PARTY
(All Afternoon , The Mezzanine Level)
Mix and mingle with your esteemed fellow endocriminologists over tea and scones, and exchange stories about how Thy-Roto-Rooter-RoxinTM is the only drug an endocriminologist EVER should prescribe. |
AFTERNOON SESSIONS
3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. |
- Lies, Lies and More Lies: The Great Myth of Bioequivalence Exposed
(The Mayo Room)
- The Competitors -- Hah: Why You Shouldn't Even Bother to Prescribe Goiter-Aidinum, Glandicillin or Goiter-be-Gone when you have the Thy-Roto-Rooter-RoxinTM, the only drug an endocriminologist EVER should prescribe
(The Princeton Room).
- They're Not Patients, They're Lab Values: Recognizing the Overriding Importance of the TSH Test Versus Patients' Unreliable Complaints
(The Johns Hopkins Room)
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Gala Banquet
(6:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m., The Harvard Grand Ballroom)
Opening Performer: "How do you make a hor-mone?" Hah hah hah!!! You'll find out the hilarious answer at the zany comedy show featuring the world-famous thyroid humor of
Shecky "The Hyper Man" Lipschitz.
KEYNOTE SPEAKER:
The Honorable George Bush,
Former President of the U.S.
"The Importance of the Modern Pharmaceutical Company to Today's Health, Public Well-Being and Re-election"
How Switching from Thy-Roto-Rooter-RoxinTM, the only drug an endocriminologist EVER should prescribe, to a Cheaper Brand Caused Me to Lose the Re-Election"
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